We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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