I am puke
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
