just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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