A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
