Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
