Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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