she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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