I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
