did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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