He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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