The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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