My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
