dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
