Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
