Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
