my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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