I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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