I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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