dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
