She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
