I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
