My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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