I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
