shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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