I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
