Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
this just has baby written all over it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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