Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
