She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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