Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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