I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
