And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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