Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
