The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My penis needs a shock collar
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
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