He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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