I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
