Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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