Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
