Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
