it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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