We won't sleep together?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
