Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
