is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This baby is an asshole
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
