Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
