that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
