Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
