I am in a vortex of obligation.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
