i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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