There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
