I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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