hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
