im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
