I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
